I Hate This! Blog

Over the last few weeks my job has become the most depressing thing in my life. I’m so dis-heartnened by it all that I’m seriously considering getting myself sacked so I don’t have to do this anymore. It’s slowly killing off what’s left of me.

It all started when I came back from the Download festival at the start of June. Those were five of the best days of my life; the people and the music were amazing. I was swiftly thrown back down to earth when I got back to work (I’ve recently started a new job with an interior landscaping company…) and received a less-then pleasent welcome back. My boss had started to show her true colours, as being the new guy before I left she must’ve been putting an accommodating front for me. She began giving me work without giving me thourough training on it and being very rude when I asked for help, which I assumed was because she was very busy. So to keep the peace and my job I ignored it, trying to do the best with what I had been taught… unfortunately it seems nobody had trained me properly. The procedures I was given were poorly written and omitted some very important information that again got me in trouble, and again I was forced to just grit my teeth and take it because I was the new guy; I’m more likely to get things wrong (I’d like to point out here that none of this happened in any of my other jobs)

Two weeks ago I had a severe crash of self-confidence; for some reason I’d started thinking about my ex-girlfriend again (that’s a completely different story and a bigger screw-over then, there’s room for here). I will admit that it looked like the last place I wanted to be was work, but I still tried to carry on with what I was doing. However my boss didn’t take too kindly to my resolve. We had a problem with an email message taking two days to go through the system, which is fair enough as these things happen. But the next day when I mentioned it to her in front of another colleague who was unaware of it (correct me if it’s wrong to mention a minor email server problem, please do) and she called me a liar in front of him. She’s the managing director. Now I think that’s just plain dishonest and damn rude. I couldn’t hide my look of shock, and the other guy was equally stunned by her remark, so I didn’t wait for her to continue and walked away.

From that day on she’s hung over me like a black cloud, constantly questioning everything I do and telling me to re-do things which have no extra benefit the second time apart from being exactly how she does it. She now butts in when I’m explaining things to her that she doesn’t know to inform me I’m wrong (how DOES she know?!), picks apart every aspect of my job without asking me, sometimes requiring me to re-do entire reports/sheets/whatever thus giving her another reason to snap at me and treating me like a naughtly child by offering everyone else drinks or extra time off at breaks except me. It’s gotten to me so much I’m starting to make mistakes myself because I’m so grinded down by having to come in everyday and be made to feel like I’m not wanted there by her. I tried talking to my line manager and though she knows it’s happening and that it’s happened before, she tells me to just ignore it. That’s pricking awful; like pretending that it’s not happeneing will make everything OK! Mixed in with the feeling of redundancy from my last relationship I’ve seriously considered turning in to oncoming traffic on high-speed roads, to see what would happen. I’ve considered self-harming too, but wrist/thigh scars aren’t that cool (tounge in cheek lol). I felt so isolated in everything I did I just didn’t want to live anymore.

A week passed, and after a real heart-to-heart with my ex’s ex-best friend (she got screwed over by her too) I felt soo much better about that entire situation, but the work thing continued. The problem being now that I was getting angry; so much so that I had to stop myself from hitting her in the face. I again told my line manager about what had been happeneing, but again no help advice was offered. So I decided to leave this job and get a new one on Monday this week.

I cannot over-emphasize how much I hate office work. The ironed shirts, ties, overly shined shoes, fake smiles, pointless proceadure, fat-headed arrogance of this kind of work makes me feel sick. My parents however have been telling me for years that I HAVE to get a career job, make some money and climb the corporate labber. I damn despise everything about this kind of life it makes me sick thinking about it. It used to keep me awake at nights thinking about how scared I was of becoming that kind of person. My passion is music; it’s all I think about (well, not ALL I think about) and I don’t care about the money or career prospects as long as I get enough to live and I’m happy. But when I told my parents I wanted to work in a musical instrument store (I play a lot of instruments; varying success) they started pulling apart the idea saying it was stupid and that I’d make far more money being an financial manager for a music company. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! I tired explaining that office work was making me seriously unhappy, but they kept saying it’s a job for losers and that I have to be an office worker if I want to make it in the world.

Does what I want matter at all? Am I supposed to spend my life doing something I hate with all my heart? It feels like my parents are trying to make me feel guilty for doing something that makes me happy. I hate this! Why can’t they just let me do something I want to do? I’ve done these shit jobs for seven years now because I thought I didn’t have a choice. Now I realise it’s because people have been trying to tell me I have no choice, and I’m not doing it anymore. They can go bug themselves if they think I’m going to keep making jyself happy so they can boast to their friends/relatives about how their son’s doing in the corporate world. Is it wrong for me to just want to be happy?