I Hate This! Blog

Let me start by saying how grateful I am to this site. I have been choking on my own bitterness and rage for months. My therapist has suggested to write down my feelings—but if you can’t share that angst with anyone it’s just not the same. Retelling this story has gotten very long and I apologize for that. I only hope that other viewers will find it enjoyable reading.

I should preface my story by saying that I am nice, intelligent, and fairly easy-going guy. I put a lot of effort into relationships and being faithful and honorable in a relationship is important to me. Until recently, I never really understood divorce: how can you love someone strongly enough to marry them only to end up passionately hating them. Now that I’ve experienced this change, it still remains something of a mystery.

From 2005-2007 I was completely in love with a woman. I was willing to basically turn my whole life around for this woman. I am very serious when I say that I would have died for her. Then she hurt me in ways I’ve never experienced before. I had no idea another human being could make me feel that badly for so long.

For months, I experienced the agony of conflicting emotions: I hated her for what she had done and yet I still had feelings for her. I kept wavering between wanting to destroy her and wanting to win her back. Now, after much time and therapy, I have finally overcome my feelings for this woman. The pain is finally gone and only the hate remains. I renounce every moment of our relationship and every happy memory with her. I think I would actually experience positive feelings if I were to hear she had died. I have never known such relief as to finally be able to bask in the cold, uncompromising light of hatred for my ex.

When I first met this girl—we’ll call her “Cheyenne”—we were in graduate school together. I was in education, she did women’s studies. The one thing everyone noticed about her was how “nice” she was. She did various charity projects and she was always smiling and full of bouncy energy. I didn’t notice her obvious crush on me because I thought a girl that nice would never want anything to do with a guy like me. Her roommate finally had to tell me she was interested.

Despite being a “nice girl,” Cheyenne moved very fast. She wanted to hook up right away and she actually tried to talk me out of having safe sex. As it turned out she just decided she wanted to sleep with me and hadn’t really considered me as a boyfriend. It sounds foolish now, but it was easy to ignore all of these flaws because she was just so innocent seeming and nice.

We had a great spring together but I had been offered a great job in the Mid-West. She went on for her PhD in women’s studies in the South. I had no other job offers so we decided to try a long-distance relationship for a year. I figured that our relationship would probably not survive the year but that if it did this was probably the woman for me. I had never really thought about marriage but I felt lucky to have this woman and at the time it seemed unlikely I would find anyone better.

End of Part 1. To be continued. Soon.