I Hate This! Blog

There is nothing more promising being present during a bright, spring wedding of two people embarking on the beginnings of a new life together. Ahh, the beginning of spring: the warm sun caressing your face, the sound of birds whispering their melody for the first time this season; the fragrant smell reflecting the freshly manicured landscape and the beauty of all that spring brings. Can you feel the excitement in the air? All anticipating the arrival of a beautiful young bride walking down the aisle to take the hand of her love to live happily ever after. (SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!)

Wait a minute…this is where it stops! There are so many things the guys tease about when a buddy is getting married…where do those come from? Are they all just playful ways of giving a guy a ribbing? “…enjoy the honeymoon, Stan!” he chuckled covering his mouth with a handful of peanuts. “… in six months you won’t even remember what it FEELS like!” Roars of laughter echo through the bar as the slaps on the back and winks should have indicated to you that the guys knew what they were talking about! Your faint smile and the hanging of your head should have been an indicator, but…you were in love……..oh brother!

Once you leave the home of your parents, your mother is reincarnated in your wife…this, my friend is NOT a joke. Do not take this list lightly. In order to compile this invaluable data, over 100 years of unsolicited scientific research and study (done by accredited husbands, by the way) world wide have saved men of all ages and contributed to the early, but necessary, separation of would-be marriages gone wrong. Pass this along to anyone who you deem in need. (Honey, I hate these things about you and if you happen to see this, all you need to do is change!)

1) Women will want to know where you are, who you’re with and how long you’re going to be there…(remind you of anyone) and you’re not to leave the house until you’ve made all the above points clear and in a manner in which they are understood…by both parties. You’ll hate that about her as a wife. You’re a grown man for heaven’s sake. (You’ll be calling on heaven to rescue you when you deviate from the above rule!)

2) Women will insist on ironing your favorite hunting shirt. It doesn’t matter that blood and feathers will be everywhere by the time you haul in your catch…she doesn’t want any of your hunting buddies thinking that you’re not cared for. Hating this will get you no where fast. So just learn to roll in the field along WITH your dog before the hunt and tell your buddies you are reviewing with the pooch a new “bird down” dance.

3) Speaking of making sure you’re, “cared for”…absolutely do not allow “healthy cooking” to hit your dinner plate! Women will swear that anything she doesn’t give you is bad for you and that donuts are the quickest way to a pot belly! That’s dumb! I hate that…everyone knows that BEER is the quickest way to a pot belly! I need to mention portion size here, too! You’ll become very friendly with the Wendy’s girl down the street because that’s where you’ll go for seconds…women serve “girl portions!” For goodness gracious…you’re a man…you need FOOD!

4) Hang on tight to the remote control! I hate when women assume control of the remote because “Jerry Springer is a horrible way to spend time and brain cells!” and your argument of “It’s just funny!” falls on deaf ears and instead, finds a pair of squinting eyes accompanied by a head shake. Maury, Montel…all the same!

5) Women hate shows guys love…how can this lead to marital bliss? Three and a half men? That 70’s Show? And what about the Miss America swimsuit competition? There’s no explaining it…just know that even if you’re watching the Travel channel in hopes of taking your wife to the nude beaches of Canada for a quick weekend getaway, you’re still in trouble!

6) Jokes…need I say more? Aren’t we even allowed to be men? Does it say somewhere in the marriage vows that we can no longer laugh at lewd, pointless, degrading jokes referring to persons of challenge, race, religion or hair color? I DON’T THINK SO! Women look at us like we’ve recently landed from another planet, one where society must be empty headed and crude to adequately function.

7) Yardwork is NOT something that must be done NOW! In fact, NO WORK needs to be done NOW. Besides, what is NOW? It’s an impossible moment! At the very second you say “now”…it’s gone. So…women who want things done “now!” that’s great…because it’s NEVER! HA! (gotcha on that one!)

8) Women have lists! Great big LONG lists! And you’re ALWAYS on them…on the top, right beside the word “honey” and before “to do list”…get my drift. Men who have made it through this category report failure on all levels of getting the list done. It’s never done and some men who didn’t respond to our repeated requests are said to be still working on “the list”.

9) Women are so sensitive about everything! I hate that about my wife…nothing I say or do is “thoughtful” enough or “meaningful” enough. I don’t do it right, I don’t say it right, and if I do happen to say it, then it’s not at the right time! How do the girlfriends always get it right? Maybe they should teach all of us “nimrods” (I think that’s what she said) a lesson in sensitivity. Of course, we probably wouldn’t get it right then, either!

10) And finally, family get togethers…if none of the above sent you running to slouch (not sit) on the couch with a beer in one hand, the other hand down the front of your pants to watch Maury, Montel and extra episodes of Jerry Springer, the family get together should. Avoid these at all costs! Women LOVE family get togethers. I hate that about my wife! She tells embarrassing stories of things I thought were private (which you also must ask which is which because the ones you tell your buddies during the football games are most definitely private! (didn’t you know that? – duh!)) are not…and your protesting look is met with a “What? It’s just funny!”

Happy NON wedding day!