I Hate Me!
Human Clauses December 11th, 2006Is there really any good in me? Have I done anything good in life? Have I? I’m always in the wrong… my family is always right. My mother especially. Everything I do is wrong! Why doesn’t anyone understand what I feel, how I think, what makes me smile, sad, laugh, hate? I finally realized last week. I have no one. I am alone. No one can understand anything about me. I cannot reveal to them my deepest, darkest secrets. They will abandon me. Run away from me like I am a psycho axe murderer.
I look at myself and want to destroy the thing staring back at me. Perhaps I should commit suicide and just leave my hurt behind. I have gotten into cutting, but I haven’t the will to cut deep enough. But who could stop me? No one will… and no one would care anyway. I’m just another drop in the bucket. Another small dot that will never be missed.
Moonlight spilling into my room, I cry myself to sleep hoping for a better day. I’ve made myself pale, cold, gaunt, ugly. No warm hands touch, hug, or kiss me. Who would? What friends do I have… none. If I could have something for Christmas it would be a friend…a truly understanding and uplifting friend. The kinda of person who will never judge you and point out your faults like family seems to do. Just someone you could talk to about anything and could pour out your heart to when it has been broken. A person who will just listen… is there such a person? I wouldn’t know. I’m so effing introverted and I draw so much inside of myself… I will not find him or her.
I hate myself…I hate everything about me… my body, hair, personality, everything! Just somebody pull the damn trigger and let it be over with! I cannot stand the pain any longer! The aching in my heart must stop!
I apologize to anyone who even cares to read this. I didn’t mean to go on a b!tching spree. I have held this too long inside of me, I needed to write it out.
Yours Truly,
*~A~*
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December 13th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Oh I can so much feel your pain, I too have (had) a family that criticized every thought I had, every decision I made, every move I made. Finally after 20 years of this abuse I told them all to consider me dead. I just did this over the past summer. And YES I do feel very alone, especially now with the holidays coming, but..how nice it is not having to answer to anyone, not to have anyone judging me. I am not saying that this is the best answer for you, to stop contact with your family, but somehow limit your contact with them, they will never change and I personally feel its their behavior that is making you feel the way you do. Im sure you have so much to offer but they keep slamming you back down.
December 15th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Dear A,
I read your message and I’m sorry that you are feeling so sad. You ask “is there really any good in me? Have I done anything good in life?” The fact that you are asking these questions suggest that you are a sensitive person, yet doubting your own self worth. Of course there is good in you! It’s a sad fact is that in today’s world, we tend to look up to people who have won Oscars, received awards, achieved high office - or simply earned lots of money. When we try to measure ourselves against these “heroes”, it can make us feel like we are unimportant by comparison. The truth is, everyone is important - whether they have received recognition or not. The most important thing, more important than anything else, is to be a nice person and to be kind to others. Just doing small things, like giving a smile, or spending time talking to someone, are good things to do. From your message, you sound as though you are someone who cares (why else would you worry about these questions?). But however kind you are to other people, it seems there is one person on whom you are being very hard! YOU! You are giving yourself a very hard time, and beating up yourself - literally. I’m very sorry to hear you are cutting and thinking of suicide. I’m also sorry to hear that you say you hate yourself. But I doubt you would ever feel like that about someone else. If a stranger told you the same story, I expect you would be kind to them, and try to reassure them that they were a valued human being, even if they couldn’t believe it right now. So, why be so hard on yourself? I hope things soon feel better for you. In the meantime, I’d like to make a suggestion. Have you heard of Samaritans? It’s a UK based organisation - there to offer support to people who may be feeling low or suicidal. You can also email them at jo@samaritans.org - it’s completely confidential and I’m sure you would find it helpful. You can check out their website at www.samaritans.org Do give them a try! Best wishes..
December 20th, 2006 at 3:54 am
Thanks guys for your help…that’s really nice of you. :)
*~A~*
March 10th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
OMG thats so sad….
continue your life, you might bump into something revolutional
March 25th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I know how you feel ~A~…I have felt that all my life to varying degrees because I still rely on the outside world to make me feel good about myself. I don’t handle criticsm, emotional abandonment or lack of appreciation very well. I get depressed and angry when other people treat me badly and blame God, the universe, my lot in life for creating these situations. It has even gotten more hopeless since I know there isn’t a “God” up there who rewards or punishes people or can change things for me. Knowing that it is in my power that brings everything into my life…good and bad..makes me feel so out of control because I don’t know how to change and have the universe meet my needs…I deserve to be treated for the wonderful person I am and don’t understand why I can’t get my needs met, why people treat me badly once in awhile when I don’t deserve it. My husband doesn’t understand…not an emotionally capable person at all, my 3 closest friends are far away and I am tired of crying the same ole song anyway. My therapist is far away and I don’t have the money to see another one. At my age of 54 I want to be able to handle my life maturely but yet emotionally I don’t feel any more mature than I did as child who also wanted to die because life seemed so hopeless and those same feelings come right back when I am not appreciated or cheated out of something that I feel I deserve. I am a really good, generous person who cares and shows they care to other people…I just can’t understand why…
June 9th, 2007 at 7:09 am
i identify myself with u, i have no friends, i fight with myself all the time and ive always been ignored which makes me feel like a ghost, so i would kindly accept u as a friend, email me or add me on msn chat, my adress is
d-mendtorr@hotmail.com