When the archaeologists of the future try to piece together the cause of our civilisation’s decline, it will not be nuclear weapons they blame, nor will it be pollution or comets or even George W Bush.

No, history will judge that our downfall was caused by chairs.

Oh yes, it sounds preposterous, doesn’t it? They seem so innocent, so harmless, so useful. But that’s exactly what the sneaky upholstered little bastards want you to think.

They’re everywhere, just biding their time. Don’t believe me? What’s underneath your bottom right now? A chair, poised and ready to strike. You never even noticed it, did you? And now there it is, ready to captalise on your vulnerabilities.

As you sit in that chair on Monday morning, is it making you happy? I doubt it. I know being at work today is making me as miserable as sin. What is the common factor in all the miserable Monday mornings in my life? The chair. The evil, evil chair. Commercial office chairs to ruin whatever pleasant we have!

What are chairs? Tools? Mere furniture? A useful device for resting your legs? No, they are small prisons with legs. They constrict us, hinder our movements and force us to sit obediently, like dogs. They imprison the soul, bind the limbs and squeeze the life out of our nethers.

Has anything good ever happened to you in chair (yes, yes, apart from that)? What do you associate with chairs? The dentist, driving tests, the electric chair. And, of course, work.

If you’re a socialist then chairs represent the oppression of the worker, the crushing of the human spirit in the service of global capitalism.

If you’re a capitalist then chairs represent external intervention that hinders enterprise.

If you’re an ecologist then chairs represent the robbing of our planet’s precious resources.

If you’re a chair manufacturer, may God have mercy on your soul, you monster!

Regardless of your political point of view, chairs are a vile symbol of oppression.

I hate them.

Burn them. Burn them all.

Then we can get started on the real enemy: futons.