The year swings round and once again Mother’s Day was thrust upon me before I’d barely recovered from the last. What to most Mothers is a time to look forward to, a time of cheesy cards, cheap bouquets of Mothers Day flowers and low fat chocolates all received with a winsome smile and tears of gratitude; is for me a stress filled agony. I loathe the whole thing but out of love for my dear little angels I am forced to smile sweetly and bite my lip. It’s not so much the school made cards that get to me, those I love, and it’s not that for two whole hours after I get up the little darlings are, well, just that. Little darlings. No, what really grips my shit is the whole idea that if you’re nice to Mother for one day a year then she’ll forgive you everything for the other 364 days when you have been an inconsiderate little fecker. Oh will she really? I think not!

Now I’m not one to bear a grudge but do you honestly think you can drive me to the brink of insanity for most of the year and then be granted absolution because you conned a fiver out of me and bought me a box of Matchmakers and half a dozen Chrysanthemums with the change? Let’s face it Little Ones, if it wasn’t for your teachers and the ads on TV you would never have know Mother’s Day was here, in fact you would have been totally oblivious to it’s laughable existence.

Now let me tell you things from Mummy’s side.

If you really loved me then:

I wouldn’t be forever picking your dirty socks off the living room floor, because you would put them straight in the wash basket.

I wouldn’t be cleaning toothpaste off the bathroom ceiling, because you would stop seeing how far your electric toothbrush could fling it.

I wouldn’t have to keep cleaning saliva off your bedroom window, because you would stop doing ‘blow fish’ at passers-by.

I wouldn’t have to keep repeating myself, because you would listen first time.

I wouldn’t have to suffer guilt pangs, because you would stop asking for the impossible. Believe me ponies and basketball courts are impossible. If your friends still insist they have one they are lying like feck. If they do have these things then maybe their parents would like to adopt…….

Gather round children as Mummy tells you more.

In the olden days, when Mother’s Day was first invented, before the advent of soulless admen and pocket money, what children used to do on this Special Day was give their Mummy a day off. They would take her breakfast in bed, they would do all the cooking and cleaning that day, they would bring her cups of tea and ginger biscuits and they would most definitely refrain from squabbling and other unacceptable forms of behaviour. In short, Mum was treated like a Queen.

Now compare this ancient honourable tradition with your modern day interpretation.

To gain a ‘day off’ Mummy spent all of Saturday doing everything that needed doing just so she could sneak a few hours to herself on Sunday to do feck all. So Mummy wouldn’t have to cook …. we had takeaway. Instead of treating Mummy like a Queen and allowing her to sleep until mid day, you awoke her early, not a cup of tea in sight, shoved your cards and gifts under her nose and eagerly sat there waiting for her to open them up and tell you what sweet little angels you are and give you a pat on the back for being suckered in by commercialism. Obligatory praise given and received you buggered off back down stairs before the advert break was over in time to watch whatever crap it is you watch on a Sunday bloody morning when all honest people are still in the Land of Nod.

Now I have told you every year for at least the last 6 years, Mother’s Day is a non-happening event in this House. If you can’t be semi-decent and nice to me all year then don’t fecking bother with your half arsed attempt for one day. It is not the road to redemption the admen would have you believe but the road to eternal damnation and you’ll burn in Hell if you persist for Mother will invent Children’s Day. A Special Day when Mother will be nice to you to make up for being a sadistic slave driver and tyrant the rest of the year.

If you think I’m a hard bitch on you already …..

You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Mother’s Day?