My wife and I were at a Tonight Show taping a couple of weeks ago. We didn’t know who was going to be on, we were just there for the experience. The guests were Scarlett Johansson, Larry The Cable Guy, and a band I’d never heard of called Fall Out Boy.

I’d never heard of Fall Out Boy. I thought maybe the real band that was supposed to be there cancelled at the last minute, and Fall Out Boy was the only band that could make it. We got inside to see the show. Scarlett was what I expected, Larry kicked ass, and then Fall Out Boy took the stage. From the way the crowd reacted, you’d think the friggin’ Beatles were there or something.

I need to explain something to you kids (by the way, anybody under 30 is a kid):

Fall Out Boy sucked.

I know this will be hard for some of you to accept, but trust me on this. We were treated to a three-minute muppet-punk non-song.

What is muppet-punk, you ask?

Muppet punk is the ex act, diametric opposite of punk. Am I an expert on punk? No. But hear me out here.

Real punk is anti-corporate. Fall Out Boy looks like David Geffen grew them in a petri dish. I bet one of them starts dating Avril Lavigne real soon. Real punk is melodic and song-oriented. I don’t remember the song Fall Out Boy performed. The sound quality in the studio was excellent, and I still couldn’t understand what the hell they were doing. I’ve seen a couple of their videos since the taping, and couldn’t tell if it was the song they did, or not. If the Ramones had been there and sung ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’, even if I’d never heard the song before, I would have walked away humming the song in my head.

And, last and most important:

Punk is ugly. Every member of FOB looks like they were chosen out of central casting. They’re all the same height, all scruffy (in a non-threatening, awards-show kind of way) and all unbearably precious. I wanted to scratch the bassist and guitarist on the tummy and see if they’d roll over and kick their hind legs like puppies.
If you scratched Lemmy Kilmister’s tummy, he would not roll over. I don’t even know if Motorhead qualifies as a punk band, but they’re the ugliest band in the world, even without Phil “Philthy Animal” Taylor. They’re not safe. No great art is.

So, Fall Out Boy, here’s the score:

Iggy Pop, the Dead Kennedys, the Sex Pistols, the Ramones and Motorhead are right. You are wrong. Take a year off, take some lessons, listen to some classics and watch some concert footage, and let us know when you’re ready to be dangerous.

Credits: Paul Nemeth